Unmet expectations...the end!

I genuinely thought I was over it, I was going to manage my expectations and give less of myself to this relationship. That was the most sensible and rational resolve! However, just like an open can of soda explodes in all its glorious fizziness when shaken, so does the undealt matters of the heart come to the surface when triggered. So, in all honesty, I was not truly over it. I was on the phone when I blurted out to Kim about my unmet expectations. She let me unpack all my feelings and all the emotions that I was feeling before she said something that hit me like a ton of bricks...

 

“Kuku, your ability to give is a gift!”

 

For the longest time I thought my ability to give was a choice, it was a choice to make sacrifices for those that I loved and cared about, it was how I chose to love, for me, to love was to give. And so, I was convinced that whoever had chosen not to give me, had chosen not to love me. When I realized that my ability to give was a gift, I realized that this was something that I was in the born with, or an innate trait that had been nurtured. I realized that I was not making a choice necessarily, I just gave because I loved. I gave because that was how I expressed my love for something or someone. 

I had to reconcile the fact that some people did not give, did not mean they chose not to give, or that they loved me any less. Maybe, they were giving other things I was clearly blinded to, or maybe giving was just not their gift and, they were uniquely gifted in other numerous ways to express love. Kim also let me know that, as irrational as giving without expectations in return sounded, that is exactly how we have been called to live as Christians, and if Christ had not empowered us to live this way, he would never have given us this charge.

 

“For it is better to give than to receive”

Acts 20:35

 

“Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends”

John 15:13

 

 

Kim also shared her experiences of how she had given so much to people and had received almost nothing in return. It was truly comforting to know that I was not alone, and I was not entitled. Today, on YouTube I watched a video on the “Pygmalion effect” psychological phenomenon on wherein high expectations lead to improved performance in a given area. Now before you say, isn't this controversial? Are we not here because we had expectations that were not met? 

Listen! Before I started analyzing on how much I was giving, and how much I was receiving, I was convinced my relationship with this person was optimal. We were a match made in heaven! However, when I started auditing this relationship, I started spotting overwhelming imbalances. Now, this is not to discourage you from regularly reflecting on your life, as well as on the quality of your relationships. But rather, this is to encourage you to focus on what's really matters. You see after my relationship audit, I was so focused on what I was not receiving, that I lost sight of the many other things this person was giving.

 

And so, my attitude changed since I convinced myself that, I wasn't loved and valued in return and so, the less of myself I gave, the less I expected, and the less I got… the Pygmalion effect was indeed true! Whereas prior to the audit, the more I expected from this person, the more I believed in them and, the more I saw. Then, I was so focused on them, and I appreciated what they were able to give, without making any comparisons to what I was giving. In full retrospect, I think it's better to be on this side of the rope. The side that gives more, the side that loves more, the side that extends themselves more, the side that serves more…for it is indeed better to give than to receive. 

 

I also realized that I was so focused on this person’s inability to meet to my expectations that I lost sight of all those who exceeded it. Those who loved and gave to me more than I have ever given them…or ever imagined giving them. You know we always think we reap from the very fields we sowed, but often we reap such amazing harvests from fields we have never even seen. Therefore, I have come to an irrational conclusion…when you give, you never ever lose! You’re not a FOOL, never stop giving!

 

Love always,

Kuku

 

 

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