Modesty: redefining the narrative!

I was raised in Africa, in a traditional Christian family and while growing up I was to made to believe that God was good, and only loved those who did good deeds, and that people who rebelled, disobeyed and indulged in ungodly activities were going to burn in hell.

My momma didn't really care about how long or short my skirt was, lol cause she raised me in the manner at which she knew best. Her sisters, my aunts didn't really fit the "holier than thou" criteria. I mean they wore shorts, mini dresses, basically whatever they felt looked good on them. However with my dad, it was completely different lmao, I remember a few years ago, he left me at home on an Easter Sunday cause I wore a see-through sequin lace mini jacket above my new spaghetti strap dress.

As I grew older, my figure became a bit more defined, didn't change much but gained a lil booty and some weight. I left home at 15 when I travelled out for the first time, and at my new university, there was no restriction on dress codes. So I wore clothes in all colours, patterns, lengths and sizes, as I was still finding my style and what was figure flattering. I loved shorts, mini skirts, mini and midi dresses, rompers, jumpsuits, off shoulders, crop tops etc. 

As my style evolved, compliments started coming in, people complimented my body and appreciated my style and how I put looks together. The critics also started, some felt I was showing off cause I had a great body, not knowing that was a body I had previously felt so insecure about, some felt I wasn't modest and trying to lead guys on, some felt I misrepresented my faith, and this is where it started getting to me. Like I can deal with bitter people but then those hypocrites that play the religion card on you can really get to you.

And so I've been told:

"you must work really hard for fashion", cause I wore a crop top over a high waisted Jean in spring and when asked why in my defence I replied  "I wasn't cold". People don't understand that human beings irrespective of ethnicity, adapt to cold climates differently. 

I remember I used to want to customise a crop top so bad with the phrase boldly written "No I'm not cold" Cause then people used to think, I cared more about the "slay" than my "health". I remember I even left the church choir once, cause I was told my outfits are too distracting and people can't worship God properly, and I must try to be more invincible. 

This really hurt because where I grew up, church was a very big deal, I mean people didn't rock up to church with jeans, a t-shirt and snickers. We were raised with the "Sunday Best" mindset so we wore makeup, high heeled shoes, in fact our best and most expensive outfits were reserved for church.

 

So I had to change, I looked for baggier and bigger clothes, I tried to dress and look more "christianese".

Whenever I went to to my wardrobe I'll ask myself what can I wear to appear modest to people or maybe, if I wear longer skirts, maybe I'll be accepted in the church, maybe if wore a baggier t-shirt, maybe I wouldn't appear thirsty or attention seeking". And I remember during this modesty, my cousin got so mad, she kept asking me why I left the house looking so different, people started spreading rumours that I was going through mental health issues.

This is all because I was trying so hard to change my style, it's not new that whenever someone's style evolves, we tend to think they are going through a phase. Like if they cut their hair, clearly they must be going through a breakup etc.

So I asked myself what to do, I prayed to God but no response, mind you in the midst of all this mess, my mom in her 50's started getting acclimated to the world of social media, she joined every platform you can think of, Facebook, Instagram, twitter and all at once . She looked for her daughter, and guess guys, ha-ha. She found me and started ordering me to take down pictures with outfits she didn't like, I was like but momma, they look so good she was like "NO"  she let me keep the one with the turtle neck tho ha-ha. 

At some point, I blocked her but, the guilt was so heavy on me so I unblocked her. However when we spoke, I told her I'm not trying to be indecent or rebellious, I just dressed myself up the way I felt good in and  I had no hidden agenda's.

She told me: Kuku, I know you have encountered God, I will never doubt your walk with God cause I've seen so much growth in your character and wisdom. Truly, my mom has seen me evolve, she even calls me "her pastor" she didn't really care about what I wore, but she was more concerned at what people will say when they found those pictures.

So my mom knew I had these struggles to find and accept what was modest and what was not. I went home after about 3 years, with all my skimpy fits and my dad was so overwhelmed . I remember him telling my baby sister who's a lot taller and chubbier than me, that all she could pick up from was my dress sense, I was devastated ha-ha. He literally said, so of all the things you could have picked up from Kuku, you picked up her habit of dressing half-naked.

He was just over it really, he had given up but, all I wore was permissible, cause there were outfits worn at home, I dared not be funky, and go out with dresses he wouldn't approve of. One day I had dressed up, and went out with my dad to the Ministry of Education, now this is my dad who doesn't appreciate non conservative clothes, my dress was a few inches above the knee, but the staff at the office refused to attend to me cause I wasn't dressed appropriately. They insulted my parents for not raising me right. Excuse me...

This is not a bragging moment but I was 15 years when I got into the university, 16 when I left the country and by 19 years, after starting 2 degrees, I had already successfully completed one, I had led over a 100 girls to the Lord in the span on 3 years. I mean I'm still so imperfect and have a lot to figure out with my faith and character, but cause my dress was slightly above my knee, my parents raised me wrong. My dad didn't consider my dress short, that's why I had the guts to leave the house with him, but some people thought differently. This is because, everyone has a standard of what is modest and what is not, and how hard must one try to always fit into the modest category.

 

While I was home, I would go out with my friends and they all brought extra outfits in their bags, cause they couldn't dare leave the house the way they wanted. When I looked at their bags, I was amazed, this was me thinking they had packed up lingeries and fish nets to the event, but mostly all they had packed were crop tops, or spaghetti strap dresses, which suited their body types in a very non-sexual manner, was it such a problem to leave the house confidently in front of their parents dressed in such a manner?

I know although we live in a generation where we are told to only give ears to constructive criticism, a lot of young females especially Christians struggle with what is modest and what is not. The most recent mind-blowing one when someone said, I pray loudly every morning but wake up in the morning and leave the house half naked. The person dared to compare my relationship with God based on the length of my skirt, tragic! It was mind blowing but I went thorough the motions and started asking myself...

"What is modesty? ", could it be that I am misrepresenting God, am I taking grace for granted, am I indisciplined, am I gratifying the flesh at the expense of the spirit? Am I only obeying the parts of the bible convenient for me. I had remembered a verse in 1Cor 6:12 All things are lawful for me," but not all things are helpful. "All things are lawful for me," but I will not be enslaved by anything.

When we study the scriptures we see, that God is more interested in the heart, the "why" we do what we do. So the most important question is not "why are you not dressed modestly?", but "why do you choose to dress in that manner?"  This is what a lot of people have failed to understand, we are so quick to address and attack the fruits (appearance, action, behaviour, attitude) instead of the roots (reason, motive, agenda) 

When I dress up, I don't what to be thinking of what I can wear in order to be perceived as modest , or as a Christian or whatsoever. I have not been called to be enslaved to anyone's opinion. Most importantly, I have not been called to be a christian pleaser, always subscribing to their ideals so I can feel christian enough. If God approves of me, then that is my top priority.

As humans we have different styles, tastes, and preferences. God is not interested in robots, surrendering doesn't mean loosing your uniqueness. Imagine if we all sounded, dressed, acted the same the world will be such a boring place. And just cause your preference, style and taste is more conservative doesn't mean I am not modest. 

In fact what is modesty, I hate the fact that it is subjective and variable, there is no standard for what is considered modest and what is not. It depends on people, and their differing opinions influenced by background, religion, ethnicity, race and culture.

So I'm here to challenge the narrative, I believe I'm a human being and my style, taste and preferences are continually evolving. So dear girl, don't be too hard on yourself, remember it takes a lifetime to develop Christ-like character, so be easy on yourself, and when God decides to switch things up in your wardrobe, he will convict you and, you wouldn't be so confused anymore, for God is not an author of confusion. And you there, madam long skirt don't think you're one inch closer to heaven, cause your skirt is so damn long, work on your heart too.

Love always,
Kuku